Friday, January 25, 2008

Voice Recognition Automated Hell, or Give Me A RLHB

Called DirecTv today to check on my installation appointment which was from 12 to 4pm and since it is almost 3:30 and I live in BFE, and it may get dark on my roof installing a new HD satellite dish, I thought I would see if there was a problem. First problem is that you never get a chance to speak to a living, breathing, human being anymore. You get this upbeat female voice who tells you your wait may be longer than you wish, and you might want to go to their website instead. Now, if their website could tell me WTF my installer was, I would probably have gone there and not called their number.

Then, you have to listen to all their options, none of which is checking on my installation. Then of course it tells me that all I have to do is say a simple phrase and they can help me. So, stupidly I say ‘installation’ and---we’re off and running! For some reason, the Voice Recognition Automated Customer Service Voice (VRACSV) immediately knows that I must have the blue screen of death and tells me to unplug my DirecTv box, check my cables and plug it back in. Hey, this would be great if I had anything actually wrong with my DirecTv box.

Then, (I suppose she thinks I have actually done this) she says, “OK!, Now, you need to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah” while I am repeating the word OPERATOR over and over and over. Finally I hit the O on my phone and blessedly I am told to hold while I am transferred to an operator. Victory!!

Well, not quite. Now I am regaled with a NASCAR pitch while I am held captive in this automated hell. I am afraid to push another button on my phone because who the hell knows if it won’t purchase a year’s worth of NASCAR programming, a pay-per-view, sign me up for a pit crew contest in South Carolina or whatever…so I am frozen to my phone, hoping to speak with a real live human being (RLHB). Anyone! Just let me talk to a person. I don’t care if they are in India (AAMOF, I am getting quite good at understanding the accent thank you very much) and that’s because my ISP is also HughesNet, which is part of …. You guessed it…. DirecTv.

I was finally connected to a RLHB and she checked on my appointment. She did have to put me on hold twice but she was able to confirm that I do have an installer coming today. And, right after we hung up I got a call from him. He is running late but he’ll be here. Now, that’s what I call service!

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2 Comments:

Anonymous moi said...

Laughing out loud, you can probably hear it in Hooterville... this is not at you. This is about moi, as usual. I had this random charge against my bank account from some random 8-part something in SF. I proceed to call BOA. Manu phone trees, many transfers after I finally found a human (maybe 6) wait and tap and twiddle and etc. Reported suspected unauthorized derivation from my wee funds, only to discover today it was the effin mother company of non other than typepad and my free trial had run out. Did anyone tell me? non. pas de patooey. Sew today, bach on the phone to BOA and went through the same 2 hour wireworking to have it reversed. However, I will now have to wait for my new debick card to be reissued. I feel your pain, but I don't have your brain. LHAT CG Dew not gibbup!

1/25/08, 6:49 PM  
Anonymous moi said...

enjoy your new toy and all the rest. Blessings on your souls. Over and out. I am awf to soup and baid time. love to you and Paul and all the grandlets. xxoomoire

1/26/08, 7:15 PM  

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